Thought-Of-The-Day: May 13th 2018

Well, I’d call the hair a success.

Today has been an up and down kind of day for me. Our experiment with cutting my hair worked out though. We didn’t do anything fancy, just trimmed the ends a bit. It worked, and it definitely looks tidier and less straggly even with such a little taken off. I want to keep it reasonably long for the wedding we’re going to at the beginning of next month, but after that we might seeing about taking a bit more off again. I think we’ll go a little at a time and see how it goes.

The “up and down” of today has been related to today being mother’s day here in Finland (and some other countries including the US). My Instagram and Facebook feed have been full of mother’s day cards and messages, and pictures of smiling mums and children. Normally I take my infertility pretty much in my stride, but today was a bit overwhelming.

It’s difficult not knowing what’s wrong with me. Not knowing why I can’t get pregnant. I can’t get more tests done with the public healthcare system, and I can’t afford them privately, so we can’t find out. We’re going to be starting IVF in the summer, which is a bit scary because I’m not good with needles, and IVF involves a lot of them. And it also scares me because if I don’t know why I can’t get pregnant then I don’t know if my body is capable of sustaining a pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s a waste of time.

Money, too. Even going through public healthcare IVF is going to be expensive. We’re living on one income in the capital area. One income that is only just over half of the average wage for the country, in the most expensive area of the country. Plus I might be losing my job, with it ending right around the time that we’d be starting the IVF. It worries me.

We’re going to go ahead with it anyway. We’re not getting any younger. I’ve wanted to be a mum since I was 4 years old. We’ll manage, somehow.

I just wish that we could afford to do the other tests to find out if there would be a simpler route we could take.


Lady Joyful

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