Definitely not an easy day…
Indeed I would say quite difficult.
It started with waking up in a funk. I felt really sad and didn’t know why. Sampson picked a fight with Elvis, which made husband angry. I cried. I have a strong suspicion that a once close friend is pregnant, and given that we’re still not pregnant after a little over three years of trying, well… anyone getting pregnant always serves to remind me of that. (Side note here – I’ve decided that I have no reason to hide our fertility struggles. These things ought to be talked about more. I know how isolating it can feel not having anyone to talk to about it…)
I really didn’t want to go to work, but “feeling sad” isn’t exactly a reason to not go. So I went. And I struggled. I know I was less patient than normal. Everything seemed to be going wrong. The boys refused to eat their lunch. Thing 2 decided it would be funny to spit a mouthful of milk everywhere, and just laughed at me when I told him off. They didn’t want to go to sleep…
I spent my entire break reading. Escapism, I suppose. It helped. I was in a much better mood when they boys woke. I was able to cope, which I had been feeling completely unable to do in the morning. Thing 2 and I spent a good 10-15 minutes having a cuddle and watching cars from the window whilst we waited for Thing 1 to wake up.
It still wasn’t perfect. The evening has been a struggle at times.
I don’t like days like this. I don’t like feeling that I can’t cope, or that everything is too much. I don’t like having anxiety and uncertainty, and feeling that everything is overwhelming. I definitely don’t like feeling like I’m failing the little boys I’m looking after because my temper is shorter than usual.
But I know it’s not always like that. And I try to work on it. I try to reign it in, when it does happen. At work, especially, because it’s not the boys’ fault that I’m having a bad day. (Even if they do have a knack for behaving particularly frustratingly when I’m less able to cope! I swear they behave best when I’m in a good mood!)
Tomorrow is Friday. The last day of the week. And a three day weekend to follow. That’s something to look forward too. We’re planning on going to the cinema. It’ll be nice to have some quality time.